Films to see:

The Prestige
Chris Nolan (Momento, Insomnia, Batman) + delicious Bale + Wolverine + Michael Caine + Johansson+ Swank + Gollum + Magicians...should be good enough on its own, right? But DAVID BOWIE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!! So ya, I need to see this.

The Black Dahlia
Screenplay written by the same guy who wrote L.A. Confidential, one of my favourite films. Directed by De Palma (Scarface), starring Hartnett and Scarlett Jo. I'm a sucker for a steamy technicolour neo film noir.

This Film Is Not yet Rated
Documentaries are great, but this one has "graphic sexual content" too.

Shortbus
"A group of New Yorkers caught up in their romantic-sexual milieu converge at an underground salon infamous for its blend of art, music, politics, and carnality."
Need I say more?

Qian li zou dan qi (That's Japanese for "Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles")
A father embarks on an unexpected journey in China to finish the film of his dying, estranged son.

Catch a Fire
Apartheid drama co-starring Tim Robbins doing a South African accent.

Southland Tales
The much, much anticipated second work from writer/director Richard Kelly who brought us Donnie Darko and then disappeared for 5 years. I do have to express some concern though. It's a musical starring the Rock. And Sarah Michelle Geller. And Stiffler. And Justin Timberlake. This will either be brilliant or absolutely rediculous, but worth my $10 regardless.

Borat: Cultural learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
I want him to make a romance inside me.

Dear Porcupine,

(**Ok, one last post before I go to Paris**)

So you call yourself a “hippie?”

(Hippie: someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle.)

Do you live what you preech or just do it for show? Are you conscious or just self-conscious, only worrying about what others see?

In my opinion, you are a walking cliché.

You live to be consistent with your title, however blind your faith to it may be. Much of what you believe is circular and self-contradictory. Worse yet, you know it.

You are pretentious and judgmental. You should let your education include acceptance of different perspectives.

You should indulge in freedom - a thing you simultaneously promote and reject in others, true to your hypocritical nature.

The reason you are this way is, perhaps, because others rejected you. Behind the façade of what you stand for (presumably love, caring and acceptance?) is a trembling child who wants friends.

You dress differently to visibly identify yourself as being part of your clique, and only accept others who look like you – a most ordinary type of prejudice.

You are no different from others, however you paint yourself.

Essentially, your dismissal of others is a defense mechanism much like the mentality of those who think it’s better to break up with someone before they break up with you. Better dismiss someone before they dismiss you. It’s habit now…you don’t even realize you do it. This attitude – it is your shield. Your skin is hard by now, and lined with needles to prick anyone not like you who comes too close. A shield of needles.

In sum, you are a porcupine.

You dislike me because I pose a threat to you. You have decided that because I am not overweight or fashion-impaired, because I am cheerful, because I have a sense of humour, and because I am sexually confident that I must lack intelligence. Ironic. That is a very unintelligent train of thought (destined for inevitable collision).

It takes courage to let your guard down. To be silly. To be blunt. To not care what people think. It takes courage to be me. I pray that one day you, cowardly Porcupine, find courage as well. Maybe then we will be friends. For now, don’t bother.

Going to Paris...

brb!

Suction

Most of the time I’m busy, and if not, I make myself busy. If I have free time, there’s always lying around to do. There’s the guitar in the corner collecting dust and cobwebs. There’s this blog and the other secret blogs and the blogs of friends and strangers I compulsively post on. You can say I have no life…you can say I have too many. I live around many black holes that I ignore and try to avoid like the plague. They don't exist to me...but they have such powerful pull.

Most of the time the pressure is high, just the way I like it. But as with all things, there’s a tipping point...a point of diminishing returns - this metaphorical “edge” that people often claim to have been pushed over.

I think, when factoring all levels of stress including deep, core layers, my threshold is high. It makes for a far drop when I’ve reached my edge. Bottom is not a cold, hard rock. It’s pain and dizziness and tiredness and uselessness. It’s secrets and hiding and excuses. It’s forgetting and then explaining. It’s never reaching your potential because your arms aren’t long enough.

Bottom is a place I go to sometimes and climb out of and never look back. I keep it light and happy, I walk without looking both ways, I skip over potholes, I trip occassionally. I get up. I go on tangents and limbs and binges and sprees. Some people say I’m in denial. I laugh at that.

I have been healthy and happy for a good solid four months – that’s my whole summer. Yes, there were the inevitable issues here or there but those are the normal spikes and waves in the electrolifeogram. No one is out to get me. Everything in my body appears to be working. My hands are free from holding things together. I'm not shielding my head from a downpour of Things falling apart.

But every now and then when the pressure gets low again, the walls come in a bit and I feel the familiar tug, the push and pull of suction. It’s when things get easy that I start to think, and thinking makes me sad. I’ve been trying not to think for years. Thinking hurts…keep busy. Keep it light.

Instead, I lie in the sun, suspicious of this beautiful day. Suspicion is my happy medium.

I won't be scared of the unknown or what's out there. I'm learning to be happy, but not to relax. I always look over my shoulder. Cautiously, I'll enjoy this...until I get sucked in again.

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day"

Well these days have been anything but dull...I just really wanted to quote that song because I love it.

Speaking of Pink Floyd, I saw a great movie last night called "The Squid and the Whale" that features "Hey You." The last great movie I saw was C.R.A.Z.Y. that had a great scene of the main character rockin' out to "Shine on you crazy diamond." A pattern...?

I have been soooo busy. I am managing a group of 15 highschool volunteers at work everyday and they're exhausting, but quite helpful. It's only been a couple days now but I feel like I've had a chance to connect with almost every one of them on an individual basis. One girl plays in a band and wants to be a tattoo artist. Another boy was born in Germany and recently went to Hungary - he thinks it's the best place in the world, the "Paris of Eastern Europe." Today I talked to a boy for 20 minutes about roller skating - apparently there are only 4 roller rinks in Canada and one of them is in Cambridge. He and his friedns are really into it - the new trend is breakdancing on roller skates which sounds dangerous but must look siiiiiick. One girl, Anna, is one of the most impressive kids I've ever met. She only just finished grade nine but she is passionate activist at her school, pushing for inclusion, anti-bullying programs and starting a gay-straight alliance. And she's such a little fashionista! So far, I like these kids.

Last weekend was incredible...I went to The Drake for Lianne's birthday, by-passed ALL the lines (as per usual) and had an incredible night. After hanging out on the swanky patio Lianne and I snuck off to the basement and got tickets for Cuizinier - a white Parisian rapper (ironice since I'm going to Paris in TWO WEEKS!!) who rhymes almost as fast as Twista over a mix of R&B, Underground and some Dirrrrty South beats laid by DJ Orgasmix. They performed in the Drake's packed basement to a sold-out crowd with me and Lee rockin' out at the front.

But before they came on...DJ NAV opened and WOW he was incredible. He does hard rock to a dance beat with breaks and it is off the muthafriggin' hook. He told me he spins every month at the Drake and does sets randomly at other venues. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for DJ Nav!!!

Saturday Pat took Sally and I to his cottage. Sally wore a life jacket and went canoeing with us. We went seadooing and it was the funnest things ever - there were lots of boats on the water and many many many waves and the best part was when I jumped a wave and turned and threw Patty of the sea doo (sorry Patty).

The downfall of the weekend was definitely missing 'Pril's wedding. Congratulations honey, I wish you and Jakey all the best and I hope your honeymoon rocks and rolls! xoxoxo

I also must note that the previous weekend I went to Grand Bend with Reens Pat and Scotty and had the best day ever...and then a drive-in theatre with Karebear which was awesome. Karen - I love you WITH the bonnet/mullet!!!!! *mwah*

Happy Birthday Blog

While the archives only go as far back as March, this blog was actually started about a year ago...

It was a strange time, living back "home" in the greater Toronto and surrounding area (aka Thornhill), dealing with a bit of a personal crisis which somehow led to me starting this. It seems like more than 12 months since then, when I think of all of the things I have come to terms with.

So, officially I have been a blogger for a year now - not a particularly good one, but dedicated.

I thought by now I would have figured out what this thing was for. Certainly it's not to showcase my writing talents as most of this is venting and junk. It's hard to keep a true diary when you are aware that others are reading it. And I am not really the type to open up political discussion as I get dizzy every time I try to establish an opinion.

If anything, this blog has served as partly a diary, a punching bag, a newsletter for friends and loved ones far away, a procrastination tool and a nasty habit.

Happy Birthday Blog - may you grow.

"A Grand Event"

"Hello Everybody,

August 19th is my last day in town but that should not be the only reasonall y'all try to make it out to this thing. For one thing, small party, cool people, and amazing music. As Jo mentioned, no humming but that's okaywe can all survive without the humming.

P.S. Bring your dancing shoes. I cant imagine this crowd wont break it down on the dance floor.

See y'all soon!

Irina :)"


*By the way Irina, I'm posting your email on my blog...what's with the 'no humming'? There MUST be humming!!*

On Labels

I love women and I love being a woman. I care about the world around me and will likely devote much of my life to social issues. Yet I don’t call myself a Feminist or a Socialist.

I don’t define myself, because I don’t want to be confined in a box.

When I die, I’ll spend eternity in a box. We have plenty of time to be in boxes. I don’t understand why some people are in such a rush. Maybe it’s so people can get to know them faster and understand them better. Maybe it’s so people can identify with some group of other people in similar boxes. Maybe having the same box as someone makes them like you better. I don’t care about those things. I understand that a lot of people do though. Insecurity can make people need to belong somewhere concrete…even if it is just a silly box.

Until I die, I want to remain flexible. My ability to move is what separates me from the imprisoned and the dead. You don't need to know me through and through by looking at me. And I live for the element of surprise.

Animal Shelter Tragedy

I saw something on the news this morning that brought me to tears.
An SPCA animal shelter in Midland caught fire last night when it was struck by lightening, killing as many as 30 kitties and other small animals.

Thankfully 27 cats, puppies and older dogs were rescued, but they all suffered terrible burns, eye damage and other injuries. Just the thought of these innocent animals suffering, and some being trapped and helpless in the midst of a raging fire is just heart-breaking.

Please click here to learn more about this and how you can make a donation to the SPCA, as now they all need a new home and money for treatment. I'm sending a cheque for $20...I know it's not much, but I don't get paid until next Friday and it's all I can do.

On a lighter note, today is the most beautiful day I have seen in a while. If there is a place in the world where every day is like this, please let me know and I will move there!

Wednesday we booked our flight and hotel package for Paris. THIS is the place we're staying at. I requested a room with a balcony and view of the Arc de Triomphe on Champs Elysees. I am so fricking excited I could scream!

The view!

(Bad Poetry Blitz)

You are four years ahead of yourself
Seven days behind schedule
And maybe the cigarette is smoking you

Earth lion

I am still who I am and who I was
When you thought you knew me.
You saw me in many places –
Different everywhere.
Changing is who I am;
My skin, my mind.

woman

those tiny grains of sand move faster through that glass than you think
and there’s too much salt in the water to drink
you float better than you sink
you bleed red not pink

warming

while some stress over melting ice
and honchos fear financial meltdown
my indifference is keeping me dry

Confessions of a Bon Vivant

I am so excited about Paris. I wasn't before. In fact, I didn't think it would happen and I wasn't even sure if I could or would go.

But then every time I step outside my house onto rocks, mud, gravel and dust and every time my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of machines destroying things and firehouse bells and ambulance sirens I realize...I have to get the hell out of here!

It's getting harder to concentrate at work because I keep zoning out and thinking about the trip. I can see myself there, at la Tour Eiffel, strutting down Champs Elysees, salivating from all the designer yumminess around me...Sitting at some cafe sipping espresso with a long french cigarette...watching the city float by as we enjoy cocktails on the River Seine...

And I wonder how and when and why suddenly in my life that has been so plagued with shitty luck, did I suddenly fall upon such an amazing opportunity. I fear I will become spoiled from the happiness I'm just not really used to and never, ever recover.

I can't wait to see this city. I have a feeling I might belong there.