Suction

Most of the time I’m busy, and if not, I make myself busy. If I have free time, there’s always lying around to do. There’s the guitar in the corner collecting dust and cobwebs. There’s this blog and the other secret blogs and the blogs of friends and strangers I compulsively post on. You can say I have no life…you can say I have too many. I live around many black holes that I ignore and try to avoid like the plague. They don't exist to me...but they have such powerful pull.

Most of the time the pressure is high, just the way I like it. But as with all things, there’s a tipping point...a point of diminishing returns - this metaphorical “edge” that people often claim to have been pushed over.

I think, when factoring all levels of stress including deep, core layers, my threshold is high. It makes for a far drop when I’ve reached my edge. Bottom is not a cold, hard rock. It’s pain and dizziness and tiredness and uselessness. It’s secrets and hiding and excuses. It’s forgetting and then explaining. It’s never reaching your potential because your arms aren’t long enough.

Bottom is a place I go to sometimes and climb out of and never look back. I keep it light and happy, I walk without looking both ways, I skip over potholes, I trip occassionally. I get up. I go on tangents and limbs and binges and sprees. Some people say I’m in denial. I laugh at that.

I have been healthy and happy for a good solid four months – that’s my whole summer. Yes, there were the inevitable issues here or there but those are the normal spikes and waves in the electrolifeogram. No one is out to get me. Everything in my body appears to be working. My hands are free from holding things together. I'm not shielding my head from a downpour of Things falling apart.

But every now and then when the pressure gets low again, the walls come in a bit and I feel the familiar tug, the push and pull of suction. It’s when things get easy that I start to think, and thinking makes me sad. I’ve been trying not to think for years. Thinking hurts…keep busy. Keep it light.

Instead, I lie in the sun, suspicious of this beautiful day. Suspicion is my happy medium.

I won't be scared of the unknown or what's out there. I'm learning to be happy, but not to relax. I always look over my shoulder. Cautiously, I'll enjoy this...until I get sucked in again.