New York

Since we are sans car, it looks like we're bussing it down to New York City tonight. I should be packing in a frenzy, but instead I'm lollygaging here while I book an appointment for my pedicure. Sadly, the weather in nyc this weekend will be just as much of an asshole as the weather here has been this past week. It's really a shame because as much as I can't wait to see my cousin and the baby, it seems like a waste to travel there for a few days if it's going to be pouring the whole time.

Saturday we're going to Butter, a posh manhattan restaurant that transforms into a swanky club at night. I don't particularly care about running into celebreties and all that, but if it's good enough for Paris, Diddy and LiLo, it's good enough for me. I hope the weather doesn't interfere with inevitable good times.

Before I leave in about...4 or 5 hours, if anyone wants any New York City swag (knock-offs, duty-free booze, one-of-a-kinds or anything that 'fell of the truck'), now is the time to tell me.

Happy Canada Day bitches! And happy 4th of July ;)

update

Surprisingly, I actually had a great birthday.

As it approached, I really hoped it would pass quietly. In many ways (compared to previous years) it did, and yet there were so many kind little things, from friends, family, friends of family and loved ones that gave me tiny boosts of 'yay' throughout the days. And Friday just could not have possibly been more fun, even though we were at Rev and surrounded by what truly was a conglomeration of the ugliest and most obnoxious people in southern Ontario. Saturday at El Mocambo was great, except for the shooting that occured across the street at 7-11 as we entered the club. That just wasn't cool. But wow...even though all of us felt sick at one point in the night (expected given the lack of sleep), break beats and funk are a combination you can never go wrong with. The Queen remix was great too, and still in my head. To end a perfect weekend perfectly, I had the opportunity to go to see a friend's sweetass boat and pass out on the beach.

Thank you to everyone for all the little things you did...whether it was cookies, cake or tequilla. They made a big difference.

Tempus

Everything has to do with time these days.

I have to now find trivial ways to keep myself distracted, consume myself with whatever flapdoodle can push that hand around the clock. My life that was once bursting at the seams is now kind of inane and meaningless.

On a positive note, this is all temporary. Temporary.

The fact that I feel this empty is obviously largely to do with love and grief and all the classic torture devices of relationships. But as the Dixie Chicks so wisely pointed out, 'wide open spaces' can also be a blessing.

If these are life's lessons...she'll take this test

Humour me

Most people know what's going on by now, I think.
I apologize in advance if I need to talk a lot during this. Anyone who has been there know's it's a pretty tough thing to go through, but I'm going through.

I don't think I often ask for much of my friends. All I really want to do right now is laugh, and I'm not going to cry. Send me jokes, say something funny, recommend a good comedy to me, and if *anyone* wants to go to Yuk Yuk's at any time, please let me know.

(I could use a hug too).

For Karen...

"He's major payne!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgKUnhCANTY

A heavy heart weighs you down in the morning

When your heart is broken, it wakes you up in the morning with a punch in the gut. Then it keeps you in bed all morning, between sleep and sleepy wakefulness.

I'm so hurt. And angry. The anger is lessening the hurt, I know. But then the hurt just makes me angry. And it's a vicious cycle of pain. I'm trying to be strong but I keep cracking.

Nothing truly momentous happened, not unless you were there, not unless you were me and you felt how I felt. For me it was pivotal. I need to let go of the positive illusions...the ones I possess, the ones I project. I need real. Real is scarier than comforting, safe and logical fake. Real is raw, real makes you vulnerable, real puts you out there.

I wish it wasn't so complicated. I wish there weren't so many vines between lovers to untangle and separate. Some knots are tied so tight that those ties need to be cut. And then what? Will I be amputated and haunted by your phantom limbs?

Can I do this? When? How?

Life is what happens...

I think it was John Lennon who said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

I haven't written here in a long time. I have an amazing job with the city doing a project that has come to mean a lot to me. I used to hate this city until I worked for it. Then again, this is my first summer here. I would love any place in the world as long as it was summer. I take care of Sally and that keeps me busy too. I volunteer every week at a distress centre. I do Cord stuff, as usual. I spend a lot of time with Pat.

I realized I don't want to spend the next ten years in school doing research and that I don't need to make a career of helping people. I can do whatever I want for money and help people for free. I've decided not to pursue a PhD anymore. I want to do PR. Quite a turnaround, I know. That's the beautiful thing about life and being this age.

Ah, this age. I feel really old. I like being 21. I'll miss it.

My mom came to visit and I'm so glad she did. We really caught up. She really needs me right now and even though I wish I could help her more, it's a good feeling to be needed.

We saw "The Lakehouse" last Friday. A lot of people in the theatre laughed at parts that I don't think were supposed to be funny. Some people left and said it was stupid. I loved it. It really moved and touched me. Maybe I'm the last girl on Earth who believes in that kind of magic.

The movie was all about timing, which I have always said is everything when it comes to love. Timing and magic.

Today I feel like a lot of things are about to change. I can usually predict these things, the way elephants ran up hills before the big tsunami and the way my dog gets really sad and nervous hours before a storm because she can feel it coming and she's scared of storms.

I'm a little scared...but I know I'm strong. I can handle change. In fact, I welcome it.